Reflections and Letting Go

I am a people pleaser.  I empathize to the extreme and I do everything within my power to make people feel better.  I compromise, give, and bend over backwards.  As an adult I’ve had to learn to reign it in because it isn’t practical or right for me go above and beyond for everyone I meet just so they feel comfortable.  I struggle the most in friendships.

Typically if you’re my friend, you’re my family.  I’ve always kept a small friend circle because I believe it is better to have a few people know you well than a bunch  who kind of know you.  So, with this philosophy you can see where once you’re my friend there is not a lot I wouldn’t do for you.

I’ve never been through a breakup.  My husband was my first boyfriend.  All of my friendships that have ended, ended due to distance or growing apart.  The kind of endings that are gradual and not because anyone did anything wrong.

They say you have to let go to really move forward.  They don’t take into consideration how difficult that is: to move forward without closure.  To move forward knowing that someone will never be culpable for the damage they caused younu.

A best friend is the person you’re supposed to be able to be real with, without the judgments.  They’ll call you on your bullshit but stick around to help you through it.  Someone who is your self-professed “bestie” should not have put you in this position to begin with. They definitely don’t take advantage of your kindness or belittle you.  They would never not respect you.  Right?

In my case, my people pleasing nature led me to continue to give when I realized the relationship was one-sided.  I slowly started pulling back because in my mind that was nicer than just stopping completely.  And my biggest fear is hurting people’s feelings or causing them to feel bad.  This ended up causing a snowball effect that led into a blow up that has now ended the friendship.

I’m not here to impeach someone’s character or call them out over the interwebs so I’ll leave it at things were said that made it clear my friendship wasn’t valued as much I valued theirs and that  #SorryNotSorry is not an apology.  If your actions were wrong, you can’t defend them.  Period.

Yet the part of me that wants to make people happy still aches.  I want to sooth my own feelings by taking this situation to a resolution but the only one that could possibly happen after this amount of time is me backing down.  By the way, I hate that expression, backing down.  It makes it seem like I’m being extreme but when you have a habit of letting people walk all over you, it will feel like an extreme to stop. Standing up for yourself is never a disturbing behavior, even if it is out of character.

Now I am left realizing that I clearly put more into this relationship and I’m trying not to let that be an excuse to close myself off. Putting myself out there has always been hard for me but that’s what I’m doing.  How exactly does an adult go about making friends?  A stay at home mom no less.

When I first moved to another state, almost 7 years ago, I had a job and when I left that job 2 years ago to stay home with my children I had a few friendships to go into it with.  So, I’m trying to be open and put myself out there, here’s hoping a book club helps!

So, this is me letting go.  Making my own closure to move forward.

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